p u p e n g . . .

Recent Posts

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

selfish and confused

feeling very selfish and confused now...
i want you to work but yet i dun want you to work...
i want you to work, because i know you need the money...
and because i know that you want to work so that you dun need to depend on your parents so much...

but i also dun want you to work for a lot of reasons...

1) I dun want anything to happen to you. You yourself know that this kind of place is very messy. All sorts of people will be there. You can say now that nothing will happen, but who will know? what if something really happen?

2) You said that crowded places makes you panic. I dunno if I'm able to let you work without getting over worried.

3) Its the exams period right now. I know you are very confident, but then i dun want you to tire yourself out. wat if it affect your grades?

i know i'm very selfish for all these but...
i'm feeling very confused now...
i dunno wat i should do...
haiz...
my head starting to throb again...
sorry...
i think maybe i should let you go and work...
but can you promise me these...

1) You must take good care of yourself, and dun let anything happen to you. I know that when you are busy, you then to forget things, but pls rem to take good care of yourself, keep a lookout for anyone trying to be funny.

2) You have to be as contactable as much as you can. I know you can get busy and have no time, but please, at least try your best... just to assure me that you are ok. Please...

3) Pls let me know if anything happen... and if you are not feeling well, pls just stop. it not worth it, over straining yourself and pls let me know...

4) Let me know when you knock off and when you reached home. Pls, i cant take too much worrying. you can ask me not to worry and i can promise you, but i can also tell you, its not possible.

I understand that by the time you finish reading, you might be not happy...
which is why i dunno if i should tell you in the first place...
sorry...
I'm really very very sorry...

forever loving you...
8:00 PM

Sunday, May 27, 2007

May, i hate you...

may is really getting on my nerves...
full of obstacles, difficulties and injuries...
haiz...
i'm typing this with my left hand...
cos my right hand is wrapped up...
and i'm feeling sick...
haiz...
wtf...
one more week left...
hope things will get better...

forever loving you...
10:12 PM

Saturday, May 19, 2007

just so you know

why do you keep saying i dun listen?
yah before that sat, i admit...
there are times where i dun quite listen to you...
but then after that?
cant you feel that i've been trying to listen to you....
you said communication is a 2 way thing...
2 way doesn't mean you talk i listen...
dun you feel like i have things to say as well?
do you really give me the chance?
do you really give me the time?
after our communication classes, i tot you would have noticed your stage hogging behaviour...
but apparently no...
from the lesson, i've realised that i get too easily distracted everytime...
a simple noise, a single movement from you, i'll miss out on what you are trying to say...
thats why everytime you speak, i have that blank look...
it doesn't mean that i'm not listening...
i'm just trying very hard to concentrate on what you are telling me...
you should know by now, that i cant multitask for nuts...
and do you really listen to me?
how much of the things i've told you that you really hear?
or rather, do you give me much chances to say what i wanted to say?

and why do you say i dun care about how you feel?
you say you want more time for yourself and for your friends...
i agree, i too need time for that too...
do i still keep sticking myself to you?
do i send you home so often now?
do i keep asking you if you are ok?
yah maybe i've always asked when you are ok...
but look at the amount of time we spend together now...
do i get to see you so often now?
if i dunno that you are not feeling good...
is it because i dunno? or dun care?

now let me ask you back the same question.
do you know how i feel?
for the past two weeks, i feel more like an accessory that only comes in handy when you needed it.
you try to recall...
for the past two weeks..
how many times have you contacted me just because you needed something from me?
how many times have you look for me just to be with me?
i have tried to find time to tell you, to let you know...
but i've failed so many times and i've learnt to tolerate it...
i'm not as determined as you....
i dun insist on getting smthg so much so that it gets to me..
i learnt to accept it so that i can get on with my life normally...
and try not to look sian...
i'm trying very hard already...
but its really not easy when something is troubling me...

you said that i'm too controlling....
thinking about what you've told me that sat...
yes i admit and i apologised...
i have tried my best...
i've stop asking you to go to sleep...
i've stop forcing you to do things the way i wanted...
i started to give suggestions instead of instructions...
i dunno if you mistook my intentions...
but i'm really trying very hard...
i've let you do things you wanted even though how much i dun like it...
i've given you support when you do things that i dun like...
i'm really trying very hard...
can you feel it?
or am i still too controlling?

you say i dun talk to the rest of the gang....
you ask around...
have i been behaving differently?
you go think about it...
have i been trying to mix around more?
i not doing all these just for you...
i'm doing it for myself...
yes last saturday was part of the reason...
but majority of why i was trying so hard to change was because of the book...
Tuesday with Morrie...
do you remember what i've told you about the book?
how it made me cry and think so much?

all along and since the beginning, i've told you that all i wanted in a relationship...
was to have someone who i can talk to and care and show concern for me...
talk?
yes, in the beginning...
you were so wonderful... you can listen to me... console me... no matter what i say...
then slowly, things change, you told me that the things i tell you made you sad as well...
you feel very tired and bad when you have to act cheerful and console me when obviously i was not feeling happy...
so i slowly stop... and started to find someone else whom i can talk to...

care and concern...
in the beginning, i was like in a dream....
i have never felt so much love from someone...
then as time passes... i started to feel less than a friend...
you told me not to assume things so i tried to get answers...
but the answers were never there...
i dun want to go all the way back before that sat...
i'll use my recent injury...
do you know that my finger is still hurting a lot?
how many times on your own have you asked me if my finger is ok already?
i've learnt so much and got use to the fact that there are just some things that you wont say because of certain reason which you would not tell me and not want me to assume...
you say got sick of asking cos i wont tell...
but think... why i dun tell? by telling you, there is bound to be some expectations from me that you would do or say smthg...
but most of the time, nothing...
so to avoid disappointments, ive learnt to keep things to myself...

you really want to know why i walked away yesterday?
its because of what you have said to me...
the way you have scolded me...
you've made me feel so bad that i cant even face myself...
you say i didnt apologise...
are you sure?
yes i have tried to explain why i made the mistake and gave you suggestions...
but did you hear me saying 'Sorry' too?
did you notice how guilty i was?
did you notice how sad i was for angering you?
you ask me not to degrade myself...
but at that moment of time, you have made me felt like a total piece of shit...
how am i supposed to face you when i'm so filled up with guilt and remorse?
when i cant even face myself...

you told me that sat...
your dress sense...
you have said i should have known...
yes... but would not all bf be overprotective?
i know you dare to bare a bit of skin...
i'm ok with that...
but i'm just not ok with the way you behave...
wearing those short skirts, you know how easy it is for something to happen...
yes you can wear, but you dun really know how to properly take of yourself...
and then you expose too much...
unless you are in a foreign country...
you would not be able to find someone who is ok with their gf for baring too much...
so after that sat, i've let you wear what you want...
i dun made you feel bad for wearing heels...
i dun question you for what you wear...
i've only asked you to take care of yourself when you want to bare...
present of perverts in these world is very scary...
you say you can take care of yourself and not like you are a little girl who needs protection...
sometimes, i can see things better than you...
so dun try to blame me when i try to cover you up suddenly...
it just mean that someone is staring and i'm not comfortable with it...
if i could, i would do it to Sa they all also... but i'm not their bf...
i'm not happy when someone is staring at my friends... not to mention when it happens to you...
i wont stop you from wearing... but i just want you to take care of yourself...
and i dun want to regret one day should something happen to you because i did nothing...

people have been telling me that i had gave in too much...
and these people, are not my family...
they are our our friends...
the problem is there, just that i have ignore it because i loved you too much...
i just took it in my stride...
and now i have to take a stand...
in the past, i've always been the one who gave in...
think carefully, have we really quarrelled before?
have i rebutted you before like how i've did this time?
so dun blame me for making the decision...
i just want to become the me i use to be...
holding on to my believe and not giving in...
now what i believe is that, i know my plan is going to bear fruits, so i wont give it up...

and my mom...
i know that she is the main problems...
and i know that you dun like people to back stab you...
and i know you wont change your personality so as to please someone...
yes i have talk and explain to my mom...
but it takes time....
i've been trying very hard to explain and clarify things with her...
explaining the reason why you are the way you are...
and she's beginning to understand a bit...
this is what i wanted to tell you on monday when you went to town...
thats why i wanted to follow you...
but you refused to let me...

for my family, your mom is only half right...
making use... yes...
of your financial status... no...
what they wanted was your knowledge...
what they are interested in is your skills...
like you cooking dinner for us...
esp during the time when both of us come home early before everyone else...
or like one day trying your mom's cooking... for you keep saying how good a cook she is...
and like your knowledge about places and things that they have not seen before...
like your computer skills...
tts all they wanted...
and i cant say that these sort of making use is too much...
never had taking advantages of your family financial status come across their mind...
i'm sorry that i didnt get it the first time you told me on thurs night...
but after that i got it...
i wanted to explain to you why i agreed to your statements on thurs night yesterday...
but then i screwed up the present and you know what happens next...

so pls... dun use the ME before that sat as the reason...
look at the ME during these two weeks...
look at the efforts i had put in...
dun just look at the bad side...
dun overlook my my efforts...
dun just give up because i've made mistakes during a period when you are stressed out...
i'm not overshadowing your efforts...
i can see them too...
i can feel it too...
and i'm very grateful for them...
i know that you dun want to put me in a difficult position as well...
i just want to make sure that you know what i've been doing...
and the reason why i've been doing these things...

we can take a break from each other...
for both of to reflect on our actions...
but i will never agree to breaking up unless i really see no hope in us...

ps. just for the record...
i really have no idea who this marc is...
he is not my friend...
and my blog has always been around...
why you cant access it yesterday...
i do not know...

forever loving you...
9:27 AM

Monday, May 14, 2007

Summary of my 14th May

First of all, an apology to my readers, whoever he/she is, if any.
This will be the most bimbo-ic entry of this blog.
What you are about to read is a summary of my day, another boring day.
So if you have something else better to do, I sincerely suggest that you close this window immediately or prepare to suffer the wrath of my nonsense.

6-55am, 14th May, I woke up feeling all achy and stiff from yesterday soccer. I had to snooze my alarm 4 times before I could drag my lazy ass out of my bed. What followed next was the usual, wash up, crap and breakfast. Left my house with my sister at 730am still feeling lethargic. And of all day, my sister has to choose today to forget her ez-link card. Both of us only had one dollar in total and the ticket machine only accept coins. So she had to walk back to the ATM while I left for school.

I was supposed to meet Sayang at the train tail end at the station. At this moment, my stomach was staging a battle and it threaten to leak any moment. Then Sayang sms-ed me to inform to wait for her at the school's station as her train was too crowded and I wouldn't be able to see her from the platform. And so I took the next train and waited for her at the school station.

After a few moments, Sayang arrived on the next train and I finally get to see her after the weekend. She was wearing her black heels with the two victorian "brooch" she bought on Friday glue-ed on. At this moment, my stomach was really in code red status. So we had to speed up our stroll to school. When we reached KF, i set off immediately for the gents, but as luck would has it, the one with the seat was taken and so I had to search for the next available unit. Fortunately, my search was kept short as the next gents i recce provided me with an available seat. And so I made the dump. It feel so good. Afterwhich, i went back to KF to look for Sayang. She had bought herself Lontong and Teh-Bing. She was complaining that the Malay stall standards had dropped since it had changed hands, and the Lontong was now $2. (Also, the brooch at this moment of time had fallen off and Sayang was not happy about it.) While she was eating, I decided to check my library records. Apparently, my worries were unfounded as LY has already borrowed the atlas from me. Then Sayang told me about her discussion with W about W's dream of having a vampire sucking his blood, which came to a conclusion that it was the birthday presents that was sucking his money away. Then I pass Sayang her assignment which took me 20 plus minutes to print the night before.

Then at 855am, I had to leave for my BSc tutorial. Along the way, we ran into the P's gang. Once again, the discussion about YX's birthday party on sunday resumed (it seems to be the only topic we talk about recently). Then BSc tutorial begins. Today's tutorial was to have a debate on the agenda "Homosexuality: Legalise or not?" which I stupidly volunteered to be in the proposition group. P made the opening speech and the debate begins, with my team missing two speakers WF and YX. Ha;lfway throug, WF turned up with YX still a no show. During which, TS realised that we were supposed to have a Imaging e-quiz. (oops) Also, A brought the guinea pig which she named Orh-Tao-You (black soya sauce) to pass to WF. Anyway, back to the debate, after a few rounds of "fierce" exchange of arguments and much much deliberation by the "honorable" judges, my team won the debate. "Yeah"??

After the lesson, i went to look for sayang at the study bench beside the vending machine outside the labs. I reached the bench just as WG was walking away from the bench. (apparently, he had touch glue and had to wash his hands) Sayang had bought the epoxy glue from the school book shop and was trying to glue on the "brooch" onto her heels. At the end of which, both of us ended up with sticky hands and she had to walk to her lab barefooted while she pressed and hold the 2 "brooches" in place while i went to wash my hands. WG had to carry Sayang's bag in for her as well.

After washing my hands, I had to go my lesson. Hopes for an interesting lesson were dashed as the lecturer today was not as crappy. Throughout the lesson, HB and me were trying our best to keep ourselves awake. Which he eventually failed. During the lecture break, i went out of the classroom for a walk while HB concuss. I stood outside Sayang's lab and gazed at her. Then i started thinking, recently i haven't really hold her in my arms. Then i went back for my lesson. At about 1137am, my lesson ended. As my stomach was growling by then, so i went to NC with the rest for my lunch before i start to become giddy again. After my lunch, I went back to the lab to wait for Sayang while the rest went to e-plaza to mug for the quiz that was to start at 1pm. Due to some programme glitches again, Sayang's practical ended late again. She came out at about 1215pm, and by that time NC was already very crowded. So the they decided to ta-bao and eat at the study benches. After buying her garlic bread, ice tea and siew mai. We waited for them at the NC entrance. While waiting we were cleaning Sayang's heels with alcohol wipes, trying to remove whatever remaining there is on the heels. (the brooches had fallen off again, one of which was knocked off by my shoe, i dunno how) After quite a while, they still didn't show up, so Sayang called J. Turn out they had found a table and they were almost finishing their food (WTH). After just a while, the trio went to eplaza to look for KH to pay him for the Bangkok trip while Sayang and me went to school bookshop to buy contact cement to once again attempt to glue on the "brooches". Then along the way back to my my fac, i had to stop by the gents to take a leak. Afterwhich, i headed to the eplaza for my quiz while Sayang head to her classroom for her lesson at 115pm (delayed due to the earlier practical).

While waiting for A to come for the equiz, TS was talking about her HAHA-Gong and she was trying to teach the guinea pig the gongfu. During, I named the guinea pig Hei-jiang-you-zhu-rou (black soya sauce pork) as WF was going to name it piggy. Then A came and to everyone's shock, generator was to be included in today's quiz. So she had no choice but to give us some time to read through the notes. Then the quiz begins. It was disastrous, we never knew that 30 T or F and 30 MCQs would give us some much headache. When i completed my quiz, i got 68.33%, which turns out to be one of the better scores around. WOW!! Everyone then started to complain that the questions were from sets of notes that was not supposed to be tested. But what to do?

After the quiz, I set off for town as planned while sayang stayed in school for her lesson and quiz and practical (make up). Walked to the station with W and JJ. Turns out, JJ had the same dentist as me.

At about 230pm, i reached Taka. i went to post Sayang's money order first before starting my search for the tools for making YX's presents. First, i went to AF. They dun sell the glue i needed and the jewellery file set was just out of my budget. And so i started to look a HF in the area. Searching level by levels, i complete my rampage inside Taka. During which i ran into my first trans for the day. He/she was wearing this black satin low cut dress with no bra. From far one can make out the two big black dots. Disappointed, I left the building. Then i crossed the street and ventered inside parag. hoping to find HF, i walked around the place feeling very very out of place with my t-shirt and jeans. once again disappointed i head off to FES in hope that purchasing the craft glue would make my luck better. Upon reaching FES i headed straight to BP. To my dismay, they were not selling the craft glue that sayang needed for her project. Feeling a bit discouraged, i decided to try the beads shop at HeRe where a facade was to fall on me again. I spotted immediately the file set that was hanging on the racks, upon clarifying with the shopkeeper, it was not suitable for any metal filing. Dismayed, i decided to try my luck one more time at SL. Along the way there I started to get dizzy spells and almost tripped a few times. I stopped by CP to try and locate a HF store, which also does not exist. I was beginning to wonder, is there any such store around the area. At about 350pm, i arrived at SL PS. Making my way into SL, i was alarmed that my target do not exist as well. Totally defeated, i decided to return to school to meet Sayang and discuss with her. (She was having her lesson, so i could not get any suggestions from her) Walking through CF, i chanced upon some metal files and what big files they are. After much delibration, i took my chance and bought the big-ass files. Then i went back to school. During the train ride, i fell asleep standing up.

In just a while, i reached school. Sayang was still having her practical and i took a nap outside her lab. When she came out and saw my chunks of messages, she was seemingly fustrated at my failure to find her requested tools. While waiting for WG to return books at the library, Sayang decided that she will go back to town to buy glue. After my nap, i was feeling better and wanted to go with her to town. Cos after much waiting i could finally get to spent some time her and talk to her. But Sayang was angry and insisted that we need not be so stuck together so much. So not wanting to make her more angry, i went home first.

Upon reaching home, i was scolded again. Because, having informed my mom that i'll be home late, i went home early. So my mom took it personally and got angry and questioned me. Feeling very fustrated already, and not knowing what to say, i decided to keep quiet. So we went out for dinner as no one cooked. We had curry fish head, sweet and sour pork and sambal kangkong. After dinner we went to the reservoir for a stroll. Facing the vast sea and letting the strong sea breeze rush around me, i started to feel a bit better. then when i reached my void deck, i received sayang's sms, asking me to help JL buy gan mao cha. So I had to walk back out to buy the tea. then i reached home. i bathed and i had some fruits and started typing this entry. meanwhile i msn sayang. but we didnt talk much, as she was doing YX's present. and then when i asked if she was still angry with me, there was no response. feeling a very guilty now, i dunno if i can still fall asleep now. wanting to spend more time with her had made her angry again.

i guess thats all for now...
if you guys see anymore of this kind of entry..
just close this window...
Sorry guys...
Sorry Sayang...

forever loving you...
9:54 PM

Friday, May 11, 2007

happy today

was a very happy day...
spent quite a bit of time with sayang today...
happy!!!!

forever loving you...
10:09 PM